We Are Fucked, Reason #4 Tommy Tough Nuts Syndrome

Our culture has recently been fixated on a particularly obscure group in the past...the tool. Now, I like violence just as much as the next person, often it`s humorous, and other times it`s just well, necessary.

I remember when college was supposed to be a place where people would come together in order to expand thoughts and ideas, but now it is becoming a place where brutal closeted bottoms, and two pump chumps take out their inner sexual frustration and addiction to sadism out on the general male public.

In a recent survey I just made up, 4 out of 10 males between the ages of 18-23 think they are MMA fighters. It`s one thing to enjoy MMA as a sport, but its another to go around mean mugging everyone at a bar because you are on roids and haven't been laid in a long time. And if you are training, feel free to keep it to yourself or at least structure the conversation in a way that isn`t trying to prove to me you are tough or intimidating.

So, stop wasting your money on Affliction and Tapout clothing, don`t wear Mohawks unless you do it for humor or punkish reasons, and understand that it doesn't matter how big you are, tight spandex shorts are always de-masculizing.

UFC used to be cool, when roughnecks with no weight classes beat the whiskey out of each other for numerous rounds, and won an open bar at the end of each tournament. Now it is a bunch of awkwardly tan people, who are for the most part angry that they suck at life.

Evel Knievel has a great quote that expresses my feelings on large people who walk around with the intentions of hurting others...

"God created all men.. and Winchester and Louisville Slugger made'em all equal"

So before you decide to use your "Human Weapon" on people, understand that a bullet to the forehead will still take you down, and the right lawyer will get the shooter off scott-free for self defense. That my friends is America.

Why We Are Fucked Reason #3, Attack of the Piture Box

This is a serious issue. People sit around all day and watch worthless tv shows. I`ll admit, I enjoy seeing my favorite cihldhood actors fight their drug binges on VH1 every now and then, but not enough to become a regular viewer.

MTV, AJ Hammer on CNN, VH1, E, and a mass of other channels make money from telling you about the lives of people who make more money than you. Why should anyone care about the personal life of actors? They are fake people, they put fake parts on themselves, and get paid millions to play pretend all day...and then do a shit ton of cocaine. Now that`s the American Dream.

You know what interesting people don`t do? Waste time in their lives monitoring interesting people on the T.V. They are too busy slaying super models, or riding in some distant country`s waters with beards, or jumping off cliffs with parachutes, and you thought gameshows were fun.

If the right person on a news station said "take the streets and start killing Mexicans" plenty of people would do it, and after the fad started blowing up, I bet you would too. Let us clarify, Mexicans are not all drug cartel, in fact...most of them are`nt even Mexicans.

Millions of people spend a chunk of time during the day swelling up, breaking belts, eating food that kills their bodies, and watching television that kills their brains.

Who the fuck wants to know about the world`s problems? They all just go away with the push of a button...OH damn, "True Life: I`m a Complete Teen Douchebag" is on, gotta run.

On Oil

Apart from my unending series "Why we are fucked" I will provide social commentary on other contemporary issues. Today I explore oil, it`s spilling, and the positive outcomes.

Nothing is more American than public outrage stemming from an accident where an obvious scapegoat is present. This is the perfect example, as the public and feds will attempt to financially bring down a company with probably just as much money as us, and more oil...which as a commodity is worth more than our money anyway. (see why we are fucked reason #2) This company of course, is BP.

What the college educated business savvy morons of today that control your retirment won`t tell you is that BP will not go bankrupt, and if they do, they will certainly not collapse as a corporation. They have the kind of money you can`t even comprehend.

As brokers scramble to be impatient and burn off BP stocks, the prices will drop substantially. (not oil, the stocks) Allowing a full blown meltdown on all of the news money shows. While this happens, rich people who can afford to invest in this "broken" company will buy up a shit ton of stocks, then in less than a year will return a ridiculous profit, adding to their unnecessary wealth... which they will spend in other third world countries instead of creating American jobs, pure "trickle on" economics. The upper middle class people who dump their stocks because its the "hip" thing to do will be left with shares of companies with much shorter shelf lives than BP. Have fun putting your trust fund on the shoulders of "Hot Topic".

Another thing I do not understand, the oil splooging from the depths is a tragedy, but why is the public trying to publically execute BP? The last time I checked there is a vortex of trash in the Pacific Ocean larger than the state of Texas...check out the Pacific Trash Gyre.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLrVCI4N67M&feature=related

I don`t know about you, but I recover a lot faster from being covered in something bad for me as opposed to ingesting it. But hey, the Gyre is a problem generated from public irresponsibility and lack of federal action, so we can ignore it. It isnlt like BP was like "You know what would be good for business? Blowing up an oil rig, not being able to fix it, and dumping all sorts of oil into the Gulf of Mexico."

People are outraged by BP`s CEO saying publically he wishes his life could get back to normal. This guy was probably being rich, sexing up interns, driving boats, flying planes, golfing, and gambling all kinds of money on obscure things like "how many people do you think I can fire today". Sure, his comments look bad, but you can`t fault the guy for telling the truth. Now he has makeup obsessed news anchors, angry redneck fishermen, and emotionless government officials up his ass all day. I don`t feel bad for the guy, but he was in the middle of a high class parade none of us were invited to, one most of us can`t fathom...but regardless, his parade got shit on, and nobody enjoys that. I would probably wish my life was back to normal too. What is the incentive to tell the public the truth if you get burned at the stake for it?

Its nearing two months, and the hole is not plugged. There is sure to be ecological damage for years after this, I hope something is formulated to create jobs and develope an efficient clean up strategy.

On a lighter note this helps Bush`s image a bit in my mind. Katrina and The Oil Spill haved proven that we just are not able to quickly fix large environmental disasters. To be good at something you have to practice. I have only seen New Orleans get wiped out once in my life, and I have only seen the entire Gulf of Mexico covered in oil once in my life. At the end of the day, these are just people like me and you controlling this country, how do you expect them to fix atrocities their minds can not even dream up in a game of "worst case scenario". I can only imagine getting one of those phone calls:

"President Reynard, New Orleans is gone"

"Huh? What do you mean "gone", its a pretty big place, it can`t just be gone"

"No Mr. President, a hurricane and flood wiped it out"

"Oh...Wow. Call anyone you know that has ever had anything to do with helicopters, sandbags, shop vacs, bull-dozers, building plans, boats, Dizzy Gillespie, riot control, food, shelter....oh Jesus, I don`t know, get everyone down there. There are`nt a lot of people still there right? I mean we told them to evacuate, we said "Hey New Orleans, things might get real bad here soon, so leave for a few days" they listened did`nt they?"

"No sir, most of them stayed behind to weather the storm"

"UGHHH. Do we even have enough resources to stop the flooding and rescue all of these people by the end of today?"

"No. Not a chance in Hell, there was no way to prepare for this."

"Wow, the public is going to come down hard on me for this one. Thanks a lot God, shit on my parade...really wish things would just go back to normal.

Reason "We The People" are Fucked #2

The U.S. dollar is worth.....$1 Bob.



Our monetary system is backed by nothing. We have been off the gold standard for quite sometime, so if shit hits the fan in a global economy and people are looking after numero uno...game over, thank you for playing.

It is a promise that a piece of paper is worth something, but we print at will, borrow from wherever, and let every minute of our lives be dedicated to saving up this technically worthless bill.

You used to be able to trade money for gold or silver...now you can`t. Unless you are running one of those "Cash 4 Gold" huts. Why do you think these little toad-hole businesses have been popping up all over the place? Trade in your engagement ring for less than 15% of what you paid for it, and then it`s melted down into a chunk of profit that will always be valuable, no matter what happens with government, international relations...anything.

This just looks like a house of paper (not cards) ready to fall at some point.

Rowdy Roddy the Public Piper

This will become a daily event...

Americans are soft and lazy, this country turns into more of a joke every day because the average citizen is garbage, doing nothing to improve status quo. So I will now explain why I hate most public figures, and think we are all screwed.


Reason #1: Nobody has manned up and taken out Governor Rod Blagojevich.



Our court system is slower and slightly more efficient than our legislative branch. Rowdy Rod will get off with a slap on the hand (if that) and he knows it. He smiles into cameras and knows he is publically butt-fucking American laws and people. Instead of being killed, like he would in most great societies of history (via execution or angry knife wielding citizen)....he was put on a reality tv show.

R.I.P. Joe Plumber

Today we celebrate (cough) mourn the death of Joe the Plumber, a man who rose from obscurity for no reason at all, and became famous due to the fact that some Republicans confuse ignorant and smart.

Joe was killed today when he tried to plunge his toilet, yep it`s true. During the messy battle, all of the B.S. he had been stockpiling in his home created a "brown hole", which as you know, is 20x more powerful than black holes. Nobody can be sure if Joe is dead or not, but some in the Republican circle believe that he may be in a different dimension, one possibly where George Bush is still president, and Sarah Palin is the Sexretary of Defense. Unlucky enough for Joe, if this is true, he can be sure that world will end soon.

People from all over the country have gathered at the home of Joe, to celebrate the day he decided to rally part of the nation with one firm battle cry "DAT SOUNDS LIKE SOCIALISM ER TO ME!!!" We have not been graced with such oratory prowess since the forefathers of our nation, and he exploited that fact by then attempting to propel his undeserving political career forward, knowing that morons would support him because he was on the box with changing pictures for a few days. Rush Limbaugh was present at Joe`s home, and some say he took double the Oxycontin dosage today to kill the emotional pain, of course washing it down with three racks of ribs and a gallon of goats milk. Why goat`s milk you ask? Well, because it clogs arteries faster.

Sean Hannity was so upset, that some spectators say a few of his nylon hairs were out of place. It truly is a sad day. Many from the more conservative circles claim that blotches of fecal matter on the walls resemble the face of Jesus, which has created a sort of chaos in the heartland of the country, where people now believe the world is going to end in 27 hours. Who would have known...the world really needs Joe the Plumber. R.I.P. sweet prince.

In other news pirates are still taking part in their tomfoolery, as the FBI now has joined efforts to recover a captive captain these pirates have taken hostage. The odds are 1 to 1 that this guy doesn't survive the weekend, as nobody in the rescue probably speaks the language of the captors, and if they did, America does not give in to demands or threats anyway. We have to keep an image you know. Some have called for the usage of Johnny Depp, believing his knowledge of pirates can somehow end this fiasco in peace. People really do believe this can end well...but pirates are always looking to screw up something.

I think that Rush Limbaugh should head over to the boat immediately to talk the pirates down. The tactic he would use is to use rants to divide the country, er crew in half. Soon enough there will be a mutiny and the pirates will start killing each other off after believing what Limbaugh says. Once there is violence and killing, the pirates will realize Limbaugh is simply a radio personality with too much money, mass, and time on his hands.

The Return of Pirates!

Well here we are, at the beginning of what promises to be a website of varying opinions and off-comments that would make someone born in 1923 keel over and die. Newsburrito is a virtual burrito of news, wrapped up in the flakiest and most satisfying tortilla you can imagine, complete with enough cheese to stop the bowel movements of you favorite uncle, and salsa-like updates that will have you wondering what peppers and stories they are made of. This burrito will make you salivate, it will question the very things that have contributed to the aging of your soul, and it will be sure to be a painful departure hours after consumption. Enjoy the vibrant color, the musk of perfection, the exotic flavor, and signature taste that is....Newsburrito


Today we unwrap what seems to be the official return of the pirate. Piracy is something that has transformed from the tough and smelly bearded rough-asses of the past, into nerdy overweight thieves who steal their favorite Kelly Clarkson and Seal songs from a local server. This is no more. Pirate have once again claimed fame today by hijacking a ship, and holding the captain hostage. A U.S. warship races to the scene of the crime, to probably mess everything up, kill the pirates and mourn the casualty they will soon be responsible for.

If there is one thing I have learned about the U.S. it is this...we are terrible with hostage situations. We are the real life version of Die Hard, always trying to save the day, refusing to negotiate and let the bad guys get away. The bad part is the reality factor, when you don`t save the day and the criminals do what they told you they would if you interfere....kill hostages.

Last week in a siege scenario, 13 people died as a malicious gunman entered the New York building and began to open fire. It is shameful to see what this world is turning into, where people just kill innocents they do not know. These people have families and could probably be good company if you had a beer with them. Apparently the agenda of have 10 seconds of fame, claiming to be a terrorist, and dying in a gunfight is a more admirable scenario for some.

So back to the pirates. Somalia officially receives the award for most dysfunctional government in the world right now. For months, they have had this pirate problem. You know your government is in shambles when you cannot end a problem every other country took care of a hundred years ago. Really Somalia?! I`m pretty sure small arms that are manufactured and sold in your country for $5 can fend off pirates with the right fishing boat. Even more importantly...who is pulling over for these guys? If I was driving a freight and a bunch of Somalians in tattered clothes waved a bunch of semi-automatic rifles they could hit the water with were waving their guns at me....I would probably go inside and keep driving. "No thanks guys, I have some ship maneuvering I have to do!"

These pirates cannot be driving around fast and brutally armored ships, if they had that kind of money, they wouldn't be pirates. Come on.